I am the very model of a modern police official,
I've information psychologic, forensic, and empirical,
I know every judge and can quote the case historical,
from Brown to Escobido in order categorical.

I'm very well trained, too, in all matters political
I know all the people, both the lowly and the classical
About economic theorem I'm fairly bursting with ideas
With many awful facts about the cause of all burglaries!

With many awful facts about the cause of all burglaries!
With many awful facts about the cause of all burglaries!
With many awful facts about the cause of all burglaries!

I'm very good at custodial and consensual interviews
I know the laws and reasons to detain if they should refuse
In short, in matters psychologic, forensic, and empirical
I am the very model of a modern police official

In short, in matters psychologic, forensic, and empirical
He is the very model of a modern police official

I know our noble history, of Robert Peel and Agent Ness
I answer cross-examinations, and do depos with the best
I recall my cases flawlessly and have never been suppressed
And there's none whom attorneys of defense do more detest

I can tell bloody spatter from rusty old mockeries
Throughout the land I am sought for my hardy expertise
I know when to keep quiet and when to shout propaganda
And know by heart every right within Miranda

And know by heart every right within Miranda
And know by heart every right within Miranda
And know by heart every right within Mira-Miranda

Then I can write a detailed report of crimes never seen before
And with victims or witness I'll establish my rapport
In short, in matters psychologic, forensic, and empirical
I am the very model of a modern police official

In short, in matters psychologic, forensic, and empirical
He is the very model of a modern police official

In fact, when I know what is meant by "subpoena" and "duces tecum"
When I can tell at sight how a victim did succumb
When such affairs as legal searches I've a warrant for
And when I know precisely where to find narcotics galore

When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern evidence
When I know more of legalese than the smartest man in Providence
In short, when I've a managed to make law and order thrive
You'll say a better detective had never been alive

You'll say a better detective had never been alive
You'll say a better detective had never been alive
You'll say a better detective had never been alive

For my policing knowledge, though I'm clever and cynical
Has never been up to task in matters more clinical
But still, in matters psychologic, forensic, and empirical
I am the very model of a modern police official

But still, in matters psychologic, forensic, and empirical
He is the very model of a modern police official